By Xiaomin
I was a person with very strong vanity and desire for status. Since I was little I always did well in study, so I was an example for my classmates and the favorite student of my teachers. The praise of teachers was a commonplace for me. My math teacher required me not only to come first in exams but to get full marks. After graduation from middle school, I was offered an admission to a high school which awarded me a 3,000-yuan scholarship and exempted me from tuition. My parents often boasted about my excellent performance before others and spoilt me much. Naturally, I had a special favor at home and my younger brother and sister had to listen to me. Enjoying others’ esteem and admiration, I felt I was worth my weight in gold, and looked down on the low students. I often thought: If my grade is as poor as theirs, I would rather die. I held up the dictums “No pain, no gain,” and “A tree lives with it bark; a man lives with his face” as maxims and the goal I strove toward, regarding study as the only mean to maintain my status, and seeing good marks as my life worth.
However, things didn’t develop as my wish. In my second year in high school, my grade dropped from the third to the thirtieth place. Seeing my poor marks, I felt it was a humiliating disgrace in my life, so I was resolved to do well in the next exam. However, though expending great effort, I still got poor marks in every exam, and failed to get into to the key university. Facing my failures and recalling my days of brilliance in the past, I felt so ashamed. As people say, “People struggle to go upward, but water flows downward.” I thought going to college was the only way to success. So, I unhesitatingly began to repeat a year of high school without consulting my parents. When choosing my college after the college entrance examination next year, I decisively chose a key university without giving thought to the mediocre ones. I thought: If I fail to enter the key university, I would rather repeat another year of high school and retake the exam until I test into a key university than settle for a mediocre college. For if I went to a mediocre university, I would be looked down on by my relatives and classmates, and couldn’t find a good job after graduation.; in that case, my life would be dismal and meaningless. Finally, I was admitted to a key university as my wish; I felt proud and elated, holding my head up again.
After the university entrance examination, my mother spread the kingdom gospel to me. I, an atheist, didn’t believe God’s existence at that time, but I was afraid that if there truly is a God, I would offend Him for not believing in Him. So I began to read God’s word with an attitude of “try and see.” The sisters fellowshiped with me about these words of God: “Since the creation of the world I have begun to predestine and select this group of people, namely, you today. Your temperament, caliber, appearance, stature, family in which you were born, your job and your marriage, the entirety of you, even the color of your hair and your skin, and the time of your birth were all arranged by My hands. Even the things you do and the people you meet every single day are arranged by My hands, not to mention the fact that bringing you into My presence today is actually My arrangement. Do not throw yourself into disorder; you should proceed calmly.” From God’s word, I came to know that all I had didn’t come from my own efforts but were predestined by God. My academic performance was just an example. Sometimes it was surprisingly good while sometimes unexpectedly bad, which was not in the control of myself. Thank God for His sovereignty and arrangement so that I could be admitted to the university. For if I failed again, I would suffer pain worse than death because of losing my pride and status. At that time, sisters fellowshiped with me, “If we pursue fame and status, we will inevitably live in suffering. This is the result of Satan’s corruption of us.” But I couldn’t understand their words. I thought: Pursuing fame and status is the manifestation of a desire to advance. How could it be Satan’s corruption of man? The university started soon. Later, through my experiences at the university, I gradually gained some discernment about how Satan used vanity and status to corrupt man.
After entering the university, I found that there were so many students superior to me in many areas, such as grades, family background, appearance, and personal relationship. I felt myself so insignificant and normal and thus became distressed. I didn’t know how to gain a foothold in this new environment. But I then remembered God’s word and recalled that our family, appearance, and caliber were all predestined by God, so I should have an obedient heart. At this thought, I no longer felt sad for being no match for others. Later, I was accepted by the church near my university and attended the meetings with some of my schoolmates. I felt very happy. After I had understood some truth, I began to perform the duty of watering the new believers in the church. It felt glorious for me to fulfill my duty as a created being.
Once in a midterm examination, I was shocked when seeing the paper. I found there were some questions I didn’t see before or know how to solve. After a while, I finished answering the question which I could do. I estimated the grade I could attain and found that I could get at most thirty marks. In that moment, my mind went blank. After handing in my paper, I walked out of the examination room and felt ashamed to face my classmates. When looking up at the school building which was more than twenty floors high, I really wanted to jump off from it. But our school had sealed off the building for fear that students might jump off from it, so I gave up the thought of death and went back to the dormitory. On my way to the dormitory, I was tearless. And then God enlightened me within: What is the value of your living? I knew that God was worried about me so that He guided me in my spirit. After returning the dormitory, I opened the book of God’s word and read a passage: “You have followed Me these many years, yet have never given Me an iota of loyalty. Rather, you have revolved around the people you love and the things that please you, so much so that they are kept close to your hearts and never forsaken, anytime, anywhere. When you are eager or passionate about any one thing that you love, it is always during the time that you are following Me, or even when you are listening to My words. So I say, you are using the loyalty that I ask of you, to instead be loyal to and cherish the objects of your affections” (“To Whom Are You Loyal?”). God’s word pierced my heart and allowed me to realize that I had been bound by Satan’s words “A tree lives with it bark; a man lives with his face,” cherishing grade, pride, and status as the objects of my affections and even as my life all the time, to the extent that if I couldn’t get them, I would rather die and could even betray God. These Satan’s words are really poisons; I can’t fall into Satan’s trickery. And then I had strength unknowingly. Soon the score came out and I got thirty-three marks. Because of the guidance of God’s word, I didn’t feel sad or cheap. Thank God for protecting me from Satan’s harm.
When the final examination was coming, Satan’s temptation came upon me again. The teacher said to me, “XX, you should study harder.” Hearing these words, I was worried and thought: What does he mean? What kind of student am I in his eyes? If I can’t get good marks in the final exam, will I be looked down on by him? But when thinking that all things are in God’s hand, I calmed down a lot. My classmates were all worried about exams, while I felt especially free. For as soon as I had time I would read God’s word and listen to hymns and was no longer fooled by Satan. Finally, I coasted through my exams in that term. In my university, there was a senior who graduated third from our university, getting into a graduate school, and apprenticed herself to a famous mentor. With such excellent performance, she, however, committed suicide, leaving a letter to her parents, saying, “I think I am not good enough.” There was another tragedy. A postgraduate was caught cheating on an examination. Because she couldn’t bear the loss of face, she managed to climb on the roof of the school building which was sealed off by the university, and jumped off from it, ending her life in such a tragic way. Because of being restricted by vanity and reputation, she was looted by Satan. Later, I read these words of Almighty God: “In truth, out of the myriad things in God’s creation, man is the lowest. Though he is the master of all things, man is the only one among them that is subject to Satan’s trickery, the only one that falls prey in endless ways to its corruption. Man has never had sovereignty over himself. Most people live in the foul place of Satan, and suffer its derision; it teases them this way and that till they are half alive, enduring every vicissitude, every hardship in the human world. After toying with them, Satan puts an end to their destiny. And so people go through their whole lives in a daze of confusion, never once enjoying the good things that God has prepared for them, but instead being damaged by Satan and left in tatters” (“Work and Entry (1)”). Through the revelation of God’s word, I came to know the sinister meanness and maliciousness of Satan. It inculcates us with the principles of survival such as “People struggle to go upward,” and “tower above others,” and makes us pursue to succeed, rise over others, and be looked up. As a result, we suffer great pains, becoming half alive. In fact, it is Satan teasing us yet we aren’t aware of it; we think that it is a positive thing to pursue to tower above others, and that we humans should have the ambition to be top and live with honor and pride. We don’t know that if we seek the goal set by Satan, we would pay a bitter price: When we get fame and status, we would become arrogant and look down on others, and have to make unremitting efforts to protect our pride and status; when failing, we would feel miserable. Refusing to accept what fate has in store, some used whatever means necessary to obtain fame and status, while some lost the courage to live and killed themselves. Thereby, if we don’t have God and His words in our heart but live by Satan’s philosophy, our life would become more and more miserable and empty and finally we would be devoured by Satan. In the past, I was poisoned by Satan’s principles of survival so deeply that I often worried about gaining and losing reputation. But when I entrusted the final examination to God, I broke from the bound of vanity and status and there was no pressure in my heart. Under the guidance of God’s word, I could take the exam with ease, which was more valuable than getting a good score. I really felt grateful to God. Through my experiences, I saw clearly Satan’s harm to us. If we don’t believe in God, we will fall into Satan’s net and be teased by it to death. Only God can help us break from Satan’s bound and bring us a brilliant life. I have firmer faith to follow God and walk the right way of life.
To Be Continued …
