By Jingxin
With my examination result in my hand, I dragged my exhausted body, lifelessly walking in the passage of the hospital. The doctor’s words were resounding in my ears, “You have uterine fibroid. In your body there have been several fibroids and they are growing. Your condition is very serious. You must be hospitalized and have surgery as soon as possible.” The news hit me like thunder from a clear sky. The fact was hard for me to accept, and with a sudden rush of blackness, I almost collapsed to the ground. I started to reconsider: All these years I have rushed and toiled, and for what? Years of bitter memory welled up in my heart …
When I was young, my grades were good, and going to a university was my greatest wish. But because of my poor health, I quit school at grade nine, while my girl cousin, who grew up with me, got into college. Later, she married a rich man who lived in the city, while I married a poor man in the countryside. Compared with her, I was inferior in every aspect. Unwilling to accept it, I secretly resolved in my heart: I must live a rich life, a life that is better than anyone else’s.
After I got married, life was very tough, but I believed that as long as my husband and I worked hard, we would definitely live a better life. As the sayings go, “Money isn’t everything, but without it, one can do nothing,” and “Building a beautiful homeland with one’s own two hands.” So I must work harder than others! From then on, in order to make more money to live a superior life that was envied by others, I had never halted my busy steps.
Each winter, when all the people were staying at home, I was cycling over the mountains to sell the Korean pickles I had made in order to make money. While others were enjoying pleasure, I was still struggling to make more money. I left all the farm work to my husband, and then went alone to work at a restaurant in town for several years. After years of struggling, our life became much better than before, but I was unsatisfied with our current circumstances, and I still dreamed of making big money. Soon later, I planned to follow the trend to make money in South Korea. After my husband and I borrowed 300,000 yuan, we went to South Korea in 2006.
In the beginning, I worked at a chain store selling sushi rolls. Every day I was busy working: Hardly had a batch of customers left when another batch came. It was exhausting. But in order to pay off our debt early, I didn’t take a rest even on weekends. Instead, I looked for some part-time jobs, not letting go of any opportunity of earning money. Once, when I was doing my temporary job at a restaurant, my boss’ wife asked whether I’d like to work on the night shift. I knew clearly that it was bad for health to work overnight, but for the sake of earning more money, I agreed. At first I could bear it, but after a long period of time, I started to have some health problems. Due to fatigue and poor sleep, my mouth blistered frequently, then festered by degrees, and didn’t get better even after one month. To get rid of our debt, I never once dreamed of taking a rest. Because of the long-time poor sleep plus fatigue, my condition got worse and worse, and I had a nervous breakdown, making it an extravagance for me to sleep well. But at the thought of the debt and of my daughter studying at university, I clenched my teeth to withstand the great pressure and I struggled on. I thought to myself: As long as I can make money and don’t fall behind others, such hardship is nothing in the face of success.
Gradually, I withered even more. With menstrual disorder and anemia, my weight went down to 42kg, and I felt dizzy every day. Only then did I go to the hospital for an examination, but never had I expected to get such a result.
I dragged my heavy legs back home. After talking with my husband, I decided to go back to China for surgery. However, whenever I thought of my surgery fee and my daughter’s education expenses, I was worried: “If I can’t make money anymore after the surgery, what should we do with the debt? Alas, if there is only one more day for me, I will spend it earning money.” And so, I dragged my diseased body to work until the day before I went back to China. Because I was so greedy that I didn’t take care of myself, finally I collapsed and underwent a surgery. Of the money we earned through three years of working in South Korea, part was spent paying the debt, and the rest was all spent on my treatment.
After surgery, I still suffered from insomnia and even had heart problems. Besides, due to my inability to bear the torment of these illnesses, I developed depression. To treat depression, every day I needed to take a handful of medicine, whose side effects made me disconsolate in spirit and weak from head to toe. Under the torment of illnesses, I had taken medicine for six years running, which spoiled my stomach. I tried every possible way to bring myself back to health but failed. All these disappointments made me unable to get released in my heart. I felt at a loss about what to do, thus living in pain.
In the pursuit of being envied and of living a rich life, I had burned myself out and paid a heavy price; what would I gain? If I lost my life, then even though I earned much money and gained a high status, what use would it be?
Just when I was perplexed, distressed, and helpless, my life took a favorable turn. On Oct 6, 2017, I accepted the kingdom gospel of God. Through attending meetings and fellowshiping, I came to know that God created the heavens and earth and all things, and that God not only controls all things in the universe, but rules the fate of all things at the same time. I also knew the cause of man’s depravity and the root of man’s pain. The sister fellowshiped with me, “After being corrupted by Satan, man lived in pain and suffering, without God’s blessings. For thousands of years, Satan has been using all kinds of tricks and ideas to deceive man, such as ‘Money isn’t everything, but without it, one can do nothing,’ ‘One can build a beautiful homeland with his own two hands,’ and so on. When we live according to them, we place so much emphasis on money that we put it above all else. And in order to make money, we are willing to pay any price without hesitation, and we would rather give up our lives than give up money. Actually, we live with so much pain because we have been afflicted and corrupted by Satan. Nevertheless, for the sake of our salvation, God expresses the truth to water and supply us, and to save us from the dark influence of Satan.”
One day, I read the words of God, “In fact, no matter how lofty man’s ideals are, no matter how realistic man’s desires are or how proper they may be, all that man wants to achieve, all that man seeks for, is inextricably linked to two words. These two words are vitally important to the life of every person, and they are things Satan intends to instill in man. What are these two words? They are ‘fame’ and ‘gain.’ Satan uses a very subtle kind of method, a method very much in concert with people’s notions, which is not at all radical, through which it causes people to unknowingly accept its way of living, its rules to live by, and to establish life goals and their direction in life, and in doing so they also unknowingly come to have ambitions in life. No matter how grand these life ambitions may seem, they are inextricably linked to ‘fame’ and ‘gain.’ Everything that any great or famous person—all people, in fact—follow in life relates only to these two words: ‘fame’ and ‘gain.’ People think that once they have fame and gain, they can then capitalize on those things to enjoy high status and great wealth, and to enjoy life. They think fame and gain are a kind of capital that they can use to obtain a life of pleasure-seeking and wanton enjoyment of the flesh. For the sake of this fame and gain which mankind so covets, people willingly, albeit unknowingly, hand over their bodies, minds, all that they have, their futures and their destinies, to Satan. They do so without even a moment’s hesitation, ever ignorant of the need to recover all that they have handed over. Can people retain any control over themselves once they have taken refuge in Satan in this way and become loyal to it? Certainly not. They are completely and utterly controlled by Satan. They have completely and utterly sunk into a quagmire, and are unable to free themselves. Once someone is mired in fame and gain, they no longer seek that which is bright, that which is righteous, or those things that are beautiful and good. This is because the seductive power that fame and gain have over people is too great; they become things for people to pursue throughout their lives and even for all eternity without end. Is this not true?”
Only by reading God’s words did I understand that it is fame and gain that Satan uses to bind and harm me. Thinking of myself, in the pursuit of getting ahead and being thought highly of, I basically became a money making tool and I burnt myself out. I saw that chasing fame and gain caused me much physical and emotional suffering and that I totally became a slave of money. Poisoned by the satanic toxin of “getting ahead,” I always attempted to change my life through my painstaking efforts. To be looked up to by others and to live a better life, I struggled to work and make money, just like a whipping top, and almost lost my life. Only now did I realize that pursuing position, fame, and money is a way that Satan corrupts and harms man, within which is hidden its evil purpose. If it were not for the revelation of God’s words, I wouldn’t have discernment of the way Satan corrupts man, nor would I understand that it was because of Satan’s harm and corruption that I chased for fame and gain and eventually was disease-ridden.
At a meeting, a sister read some passages of God’s words for me, “The fate of man is controlled by the hands of God. You are incapable of controlling yourself: Despite man always rushing and busying himself on his own behalf, he remains incapable of controlling himself. If you could know your own prospects, if you could control your own fate, would you still be a created being?”
“Because people do not recognize God’s orchestrations and God’s sovereignty, they always face fate defiantly and with a rebellious attitude, and they always want to cast off God’s authority and sovereignty and the things fate has in store, hoping in vain to change their current circumstances and alter their fate. But they can never succeed and are thwarted at every turn. This struggle, which takes place deep in one’s soul, brings profound pain of the sort that carves itself into one’s bones, as one fritters away their life all the while. … There is an exceedingly simple way to free oneself from this state, which is to bid farewell to one’s former way of living; to say goodbye to one’s previous goals in life; to summarize and analyze one’s previous lifestyle, view of life, pursuits, desires, and ideals; and then to compare them with God’s will and demands for man, and see whether any of them is consistent with God’s will and demands, whether any of them delivers the right values of life, leads one to a greater understanding of the truth, and allows one to live with humanity and the likeness of a human being. When you repeatedly investigate and carefully dissect the various goals that people pursue in life and their myriad ways of living, you will find not one of them conforms to the Creator’s original intention with which He created humanity. All of them draw people away from the Creator’s sovereignty and care; they are all traps which cause people to become depraved, and which lead them to hell. After you recognize this, your task is to lay aside your old view of life, stay far from various traps, let God take charge of your life and make arrangements for you; it is to try only to submit to God’s orchestrations and guidance, to live without individual choice, and to become a person who worships God.”
Having read God’s words, the sister fellowshiped, “In the past, when we didn’t come before God, we didn’t know that man’s fate is controlled by God’s hand. We only thought that as long as we struggled with our own two hands, we surely could achieve our goal and alter our current circumstances. But things sometimes turned out contrary to one’s wishes: Life is full of twists and turns, and we are thwarted at every turn, suffering Satan’s afflictions and tortures. All of this happens because we don’t know the Creator’s sovereignty. In fact, how much hardship we will experience and how much money we will possess in our lives, none of us can foresee or control them; only God can rule over and arrange them, and we have no choice. As the old proverb goes, ‘Man proposes, but God disposes.’ The Creator’s authority is something that can’t be exceeded by any of the creatures. If we are unaware of God’s sovereignty, we always want to fight against our fate, and in the end all that we gain will be merely pain and emptiness of soul. So only when we entrust all we have to God and seek to let Him dominate and plan can we obtain true release and freedom.”
Through God’s words and the sister’s fellowship, I was suddenly brightened: Yes, because I didn’t know God’s sovereignty, I relied on Satan’s thoughts and perspectives to live and fight against my fate, which brought me nothing but sadness and pain. My life was so pitiful. From now on, I will bid farewell to my former way of living, give everything to God, and learn to obey God’s sovereignty and arrangements.
Afterward, through reading God’s words and having meetings with brothers and sisters often, I felt peace, pleasure, and assurance, having reliance in my heart. The depression and emptiness gradually vanished. Now, I no longer value money that much. Thinking back to my experience, I have been desperately making money for most of my life, but now I’m suffering from all sorts of illnesses. It is obvious that money cannot bring me spiritual comfort, nor happiness, much less eternal life. I don’t want to live for money anymore; I just want to live for God, to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. No matter how much money God gives me, it is predestined and it is useless for me to struggle for it. What I should do is to seek the truth hard, to live a life of meaning and value. I will read God’s words and listen to hymns whenever I can. I feel pleased and reassured, and obtain the release that I have never experienced before.
Now, I no longer work so hard to earn money. I have a cushy job with a two-day weekend and my boss is nice. One night, while I was reading God’s word in a dim light, my boss’s wife said to me, “It’s bad for your eyes to read in the light. I’ll fetch you a table lamp.” At her words, I felt warm in my heart, and I knew this was God’s love for me. Now every weekend, I will go to the church to attend meetings and fellowship about God’s words together with my brothers and sisters and I have become so happy. My health is improving gradually as well. As I read the words of God and sing hymns to praise God every day, my mood is getting better, so are my depression and insomnia. I have experienced that only following God is the proper path of life. Having enjoyed God’s love and experienced His salvation for me, I spread the gospel of God to my elder sister and my sister-in-law, and they both accepted it. Thank God! All the glory be to God!
